I Love You

He asked me to sing him a song, again. Just like the other night when I sang this Raisa’s “Could It Be Love” on the phone, with him listening at the other end of the line. It was a daunting task, not because I couldn’t, well I could sing and to be honest, I kind of thought I was actually pretty good, but I always found it extremely embarrassing to show the ability publicly. And although singing to him was not regarded as a public performance, since what we had here was only him as the audience, still that very idea of singing on the phone was simply freaking me out. I was neither a good entertainer nor a competent singer that way. It was always me being shy and unconfident. I somewhat had got butterflies in my stomach for no particular reason. 

Still and all, I managed to finish one refrain, of course with such a huge effort, not to mention that heart beat-skipping moment, only for the sake of this very person.

And on that dull and not very enchanting afternoon, he did it again, asked me to sing a song for him. I could have said no, a real no which meant that I was not singing no matter what, instead I found myself being cheap. He didn’t really need to try hard, at all. After a couple of Nos, Avril Lavigne’s “I Love You” was the best I could come up with. I didn’t even know why I picked the song, probably because I was so madly in love or merely because of the lyrics which best described how I felt. It was just there, came out of nowhere. As a matter of fact, my mind kept chanting it during that phone talk. So much for awkwardness. So I sang him, I Love You, Avril Lavigne. 

“You’re so beautiful

But that’s not why I love you

I’m not sure you know

That the reason I love you

Is you being you, just you

Yeah, the reason I love you

Is all that we’ve been through

And that’s why I love you”

To my surprise, it was bloody easy. It felt exactly like those hundreds regular bathroom singings of mine. Thus, it was something I’d like to call a huge accomplishment. Noble, even. Prob`bly that’s why a couple of seconds after we hung up, I was stunned at how extroverted I was turning. I was not the person I had always been. Never before I managed to deal with awkwardness this quick and easy. I had always been the introverted, the dignified, the complicated, the unalive, the inanimate, and after all, a prude. But when he was around, I was someone else. Then I tried to figure things out, he was indeed one of a kind. There was seriously something about him. Something that peculiarly kept me going, that made things ridiculously easier and even crazier.

If we have hard times working things out with someone, no matter how much we think we like him, it’s not love. Love is supposed to be easy.

This I swear is true- in my case, at the very least. And this also how he is making me feel all the time. When life offers us a simplicity far beyond any of our expectations, it's not reasonable to wind things. When there is someone, with all his sweetness and charm, knocking unremittingly on our doors, it is foolish to hide behind the curtain. Love has always been easy. It is never meant to be complicated or twisted. Love should not put someone in a difficult situation whatsoever. Love inevitably works things out. It just fits in conveniently. And love will handle things with ease.

So, how should I define this thing between me and him?

It’s those phone talks with him at the other end of the line, making fun and joking around. It’s those intimate conversations with me talking continuously and him constantly and patiently listening. It’s those silly short text messages ended with an “I Love You” sent from our phones. It’s that very romantic night when he played the guitar and sang out aloud for me. It’s that embarrassing moment when I nervously had to sing that Raisa’s song for him. Finally, love was that Avril Lavigne’s “I Love You” which I was listening to while writing this.

Love is easy. 

This Balloon that Refuses to Pop

Maybe I am so helplessly drunk, or merely over sentimental. But this state of bliss is literally filling me in. Even when I think I’ve had enough, yet this happiness keeps penetrating me, again and again. Sometimes I tell myself, “you must have been dreaming, young lady; for feeling this beautiful, this serene, and simply complete.” As what has happened in my life this couple of months is seriously extraordinary. Then I will reply to my own inquiry, “indeed, you are right, my dear. I must have been dreaming. This state of happiness is only a delusion. It’s not real. It can’t be real by any chance.” And so I will close my eyes, cover my face with both hands, and try to let the illusion fade away. Yet, they stay. I can still feel the rush of those wonderful feelings inside of me. It’s bubbling. It makes my tiny body appears too small for its giant becoming.

I am about to explode. I am a rubber balloon which has reached the limit of its elasticity. It seems so much that I am going to pop. This quirky pleasant feeling is just like a gas that fills me, probably helium, hydrogen, oxygen, or plainly air, or probably even the combination of all. I don’t know for sure as it is invisible. It always is. Like the air that you breathe, you can never ever see it, but you know that it’s real. You can feel that something is going in and out. Something is being pushed to enter you that you can’t help billowing. And so how this wonderful feeling appears to me. Something fine that races to reach and save a place inside of me. 

Somehow, I feel strange lately. Despite its huge amount, this massive race of that different kind of gas doesn’t seem to put a stress on this tiny little balloon. I thought I was ready to explode, to pop. I reckoned this air inside my body just could not wait to escape, to get out fast and go back to where they belong. I was wrong. I was looking down to this very own rubber balloon of mine. It is more powerful than it used to be. It seems like it doesn’t have a limit to its elasticity. No matter how much it is filled, it stays invulnerable. It keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Maybe this is how love is supposed to work in the first place. It fills you with the feeling of happiness, excitement, captivation, and affection without necessarily forcing a tear on you. All it has to give is something pleasant, in the absence of any single inconvenience. It holds you in the arms of security so tightly, yet still have the will to set you free, sincerely. Love, once it comes to you, it plies you with its glory. And your body will inevitably turn into a giant balloon in this oh-appear-so-tiny universe.  Then this balloon will fly far, far away, and leave the gravity behind. It is gracefully floating, bouncing here and there. Guess what is even better? It can retain its buoyancy for good, for the rest of its life.

Love, once it fills you, it eventually puts you to the highest degree of being a human. God's creature that needs something to validate its existence. And I am now clearly at my best moment of being one, or should I say of being a rubber balloon? Yes, honey, I’m wonderfully bubbling. My world has ridiculously turned inside out, upside down, since that very day when you put the ring on my finger. And you are to me, is this perfect air to breath in, something that I greedily want more and more. Yet, it stays harmless. It can never hurt me, not even to leave a single scratch on my elastic skin. So no worries, honey, I will not explode. Thus I require you to keep me occupied every now and then. Cause the way I see myself now, is a rubber balloon that refuses to pop. 



*Dedicated to Jasa; "you're constantly filling me in, and I can't help greedily letting you in."

I Belong to the Moon

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

(Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart)

When I came across this song on TV the other day, I couldn’t help dragging myself back to while ago when I, the long lost princess, was struggling with my heart, my dear own heart. Silly how far it all seems now, while in fact it was happening only a couple of months ago. I took my time trying to draw a pattern, a map, but I found nothing. Not until this short text message popping on my screen last night. A message from a very good friend of mine who has been a perfect figure of reflection of what I have been through. One who has been extra patient in dealing with the foolish version of me.

“God is hilarious, isn’t He? He’s got a freaking good sense of humour.” I was stunned by this statement. I know I have heard this so many times before, yet I couldn’t help laughing out aloud that night. Now that it all comes to me! I seem to just realize what a sublime director of life He can be. Indeed, God does know how to make people burst into laughter. To amuse them with the most unpredictable thing you can never imagine. He’s got the skill everyone. Now I won’t doubt that ever again. He squeezes and twists your heart, rips it apart, like you can never put the remaining pieces together, but in a matter of second he makes it all surprisingly mended, even without any single scar. Amazing isn’t it?

But I’m not here to talk about the misery. Not anymore. This brand new day is worth so much more than just the tears and the heartache. Oh yes, I’m actually awake, my dear friends. I eventually live in this tiny little planet I’d like to call “reality”. That gigantic foreign planet I used to think I had been living in all this time, has been long disappeared. It was merely a sham, a delusion. I would lie if I said I was not upset. Well, I was upset. Because something I used to think was tangible, now all of a sudden has turned into a fake. Imagine yourself as a three-year-old little girl, somebody shows you a picture of oh-so-tempting-and-colourful lollipop right before your eyes, then you try to grab it and when it finally reaches your tongue you feel nothing but some sort of tasteless quirky stuff. Then you know that it is only a picture. How disappointed you can be? Or upset maybe? I would cry. But then, life goes on everyone. I will throw that bloody piece of paper away, regardless of how beautiful the picture might be. As it gives me nothing, not even a slight feeling of being real. And the pain stops right there. So much for a delusion!

Now this planet I plan to settle down is so real. So close. It is definitely inside my solar system. My gravity. I can walk up and down so confidently, knowing that my feet will step on the same ground. And even though they don’t, I can always trace my own footprints. I will neither bounce nor rebound. I walk, run, jump, crawl, walk again, run again and so on in ease. Oh I love this planet of reality. The more I involve myself in its existence, the more I find it charming. It is so limpid that I can almost see what is inside the core. And how come I have never seen it coming before? I have missed its glorious ways to get beside me. Then a sweet little voice of something like an angel resounds in both my ears, “it’s been always there, darling. It’s been always beside you, so attached to your gravity, though without chain. It’s being faithful as it is meant for you in the first place. It’s for you, darling.”

That is the state of bliss I think I’m gleefully awaken from such a long daydreaming. This very planet I am currently studying is nothing new at all. It’s an old good friend. Just like the moon to the earth. It revolves around me so constantly and keeps my balance. Indeed, God has put me into a pretty good show, hasn’t He? It entertains everybody around me. Some of them are smiling sincerely, some are giggling in disbelief and some others are simply roaring with laughter. Yes, my dear friends. This earth that used to foolishly adore the sun now has become happier. The sun might be huge, but it burns me. The moon, with its dim light has managed to keep me warm, make me whole all over again. This earth has modestly fallen for the moon. Now let this earth finish her song, “And I could find a way to make it. Don’t hold on too tight. I’ll make it without you tonight”. Yes, I made it, honey. I made it.