I Belong to the Moon

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

(Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart)

When I came across this song on TV the other day, I couldn’t help dragging myself back to while ago when I, the long lost princess, was struggling with my heart, my dear own heart. Silly how far it all seems now, while in fact it was happening only a couple of months ago. I took my time trying to draw a pattern, a map, but I found nothing. Not until this short text message popping on my screen last night. A message from a very good friend of mine who has been a perfect figure of reflection of what I have been through. One who has been extra patient in dealing with the foolish version of me.

“God is hilarious, isn’t He? He’s got a freaking good sense of humour.” I was stunned by this statement. I know I have heard this so many times before, yet I couldn’t help laughing out aloud that night. Now that it all comes to me! I seem to just realize what a sublime director of life He can be. Indeed, God does know how to make people burst into laughter. To amuse them with the most unpredictable thing you can never imagine. He’s got the skill everyone. Now I won’t doubt that ever again. He squeezes and twists your heart, rips it apart, like you can never put the remaining pieces together, but in a matter of second he makes it all surprisingly mended, even without any single scar. Amazing isn’t it?

But I’m not here to talk about the misery. Not anymore. This brand new day is worth so much more than just the tears and the heartache. Oh yes, I’m actually awake, my dear friends. I eventually live in this tiny little planet I’d like to call “reality”. That gigantic foreign planet I used to think I had been living in all this time, has been long disappeared. It was merely a sham, a delusion. I would lie if I said I was not upset. Well, I was upset. Because something I used to think was tangible, now all of a sudden has turned into a fake. Imagine yourself as a three-year-old little girl, somebody shows you a picture of oh-so-tempting-and-colourful lollipop right before your eyes, then you try to grab it and when it finally reaches your tongue you feel nothing but some sort of tasteless quirky stuff. Then you know that it is only a picture. How disappointed you can be? Or upset maybe? I would cry. But then, life goes on everyone. I will throw that bloody piece of paper away, regardless of how beautiful the picture might be. As it gives me nothing, not even a slight feeling of being real. And the pain stops right there. So much for a delusion!

Now this planet I plan to settle down is so real. So close. It is definitely inside my solar system. My gravity. I can walk up and down so confidently, knowing that my feet will step on the same ground. And even though they don’t, I can always trace my own footprints. I will neither bounce nor rebound. I walk, run, jump, crawl, walk again, run again and so on in ease. Oh I love this planet of reality. The more I involve myself in its existence, the more I find it charming. It is so limpid that I can almost see what is inside the core. And how come I have never seen it coming before? I have missed its glorious ways to get beside me. Then a sweet little voice of something like an angel resounds in both my ears, “it’s been always there, darling. It’s been always beside you, so attached to your gravity, though without chain. It’s being faithful as it is meant for you in the first place. It’s for you, darling.”

That is the state of bliss I think I’m gleefully awaken from such a long daydreaming. This very planet I am currently studying is nothing new at all. It’s an old good friend. Just like the moon to the earth. It revolves around me so constantly and keeps my balance. Indeed, God has put me into a pretty good show, hasn’t He? It entertains everybody around me. Some of them are smiling sincerely, some are giggling in disbelief and some others are simply roaring with laughter. Yes, my dear friends. This earth that used to foolishly adore the sun now has become happier. The sun might be huge, but it burns me. The moon, with its dim light has managed to keep me warm, make me whole all over again. This earth has modestly fallen for the moon. Now let this earth finish her song, “And I could find a way to make it. Don’t hold on too tight. I’ll make it without you tonight”. Yes, I made it, honey. I made it.

Tea or Coffee?

So, basically when mum asked me this Friday morning, “what do you want to drink?”, I, after a second pause of emm said, “tea, please. Thank you.” And that was what I thought I’d like to have to start the day, exactly the same as yesterday, the day before yesterday and many days before that. A cup of tea has always been the best. Make it a bit bitter and add two tea-spoons of sugar then this brown transparent liquid will immediately give you such a tranquilizing effect. I can’t remember when I first started this, but long ago, when I was a teen, I used to loathe breakfast and always went for a cup of tea mum had made me instead. And so the habit went on. Now years after, even when I eventually can enjoy my breakfast again without a following nausea, I truly can’t have my breakfast without a cup of tea. This has turned into a compulsory for my 'daily breakfast curriculum'.

But it was a bit different this morning. Ten minutes after that stingy mum-and-daughter conversation occurred, I dragged myself into the kitchen. There laid on the big old rectangle wooden table two different cups- one full with dark brown tea and the other full with black coffee. I carefully took a seat right before them and examined those cups which now I’d like to call a two-exclusive-morning option. In what felt like a whole minute, I was considering whether I should just go with my first choice which was tea, or be spontaneous by having the black coffee. Next, in a matter of second, I had found myself delightedly sipping the latter. 

Hey, look what I just did! I normally have a cup of tea to complete my ordinary breakfast, but this morning I didn’t. In this bright Friday morning I had the black coffee instead. And it’s seriously nice, it’s just as relaxing. To be honest, I think it’s even more pleasing. Then I took my time to contemplate life. How it truly is full of surprises! And to enjoy that, we, humans, simply need to go extraordinary, to simply break the routine. Imagine yourself in such a long tiring voyage with the company of nobody, sooner or later you’ll get bored or sick of the same old view. Apart from how wonderful it might be in the beginning. But then, in a certain time, you’ll come across random things which are completely out of the map. You’ll either meet the pirates with its giant ship or an uninhabited remote island with its beautiful scenery. And if you are lucky enough, you’ll probably come across that very map leading to a hidden treasure. Grab it and be a treasure hunter.

One of the rules to enjoy life to its fullest, I believe, is how we challenge ourselves with new option. If you think you can sing, then encourage yourself to do it at the graduation party. If you like travelling, then go to somewhere you've never been to before. Or, if you never drink black coffee, then why not try to have it? You might surprise yourself at how nice it tastes in your mouth. Well, life of course isn’t as simple as that. Yet sometimes we’ve got to take the risk. As Socrates says, “Every action has its pleasure and its price.” In order to gain the joy, there is always something to sacrifice. One who chickens out of the new option, then his life is nothing but a programmed machine. This morning I picked the black coffee, and so I gave up the tea. Still I didn’t feel bad at all as now I know some other drink that can tranquil me, apart from tea. And what if I didn’t like the coffee? I’ve got nothing to lose. At least I would know coffee is not a part of me. Real life, indeed, equalizes the routine and spontaneity.

Vaguely, I heard dad crying, “where’s my coffee?”. I coolly replied, “Why don’t you try the tea? It’s just as nice.” Silence followed. Not long after, I could hear a gulp of dark brown tea pouring down someone’s throat.

Tentang Adinda (Gadungan)

“Baik sekali, Saijah. Aku ingin kawin dengan kau jika kau telah kembali. Aku akan memintal, dan menenun sarung dan selendang, dan aku akan membatik, dan bekerja rajin sekali selama itu”. ~ Adinda pada Saijah, Max Havelaar.

Sayang sekali Adinda yang ini tak bisa memintal ataupun membatik. Pun tak tahu ia bagaimana cara menggunakan sarung ataupun selendang untuk membalut badan. Adinda yang ini juga tidak pandai dalam tetek bengek pekerjaan yang begitu perempuan. Baginya, perempuan jaman sekarang sudah bukan lagi perempuan di zaman penjajahan. Yang hanya dinilai melulu dari keterampilannya menggoyang tangan; mengolah rempah dan palawija, mengucek ataupun memeras kain, dan mengelap kusen atau teralis. 

Memang pernah suatu ketika Adinda berpikir untuk putar haluan. Dibayangkannya hidup sebagai perempuan selayaknya yang ‘hanya perempuan’. Aduh, pusing sekali kepalanya tiba-tiba. Pening tidak karuan. Jangan salah sangka, Adinda bukanlah anak manja yang tak mau tangannya menyentuh tanah. Pun Adinda bukan jenis perempuan yang enggan menyingsing lengan baju. Hanya saja, Adinda masih memilih untuk melakukan yang sekarang benar-benar ingin ia kerjakan.

Lantas kau mungkin bertanya, sebenarnya mau jadi apa kau, duhai Adinda? Adinda akan menjawab, “aku ingin jadi perempuan. Tapi bukan perempuan yang HARUS selalu berada di dapur saat waktu makan, perempuan yang HARUS memegang kain kotor setiap minggu, perempuan yang HARUS mengepel lantai. Adinda ingin menjadi perempuan yang memasak dengan hati, mencuci dengan pengabdian, menyapu dengan ketulusan. Dan itu bukan berarti sebuah keharusan."

Adinda yang ini ingin menjadi jiwa merdeka tanpa embel-embel seorang perempuan. Yang diberi batasan-batasan dalam pola pikirnya. Yang dikurung oleh ‘kodrat sejatinya’ seorang perempuan. Baginya, jiwa bebas berarti bisa bersanding dengan jiwa mana saja yang dia suka. Berbagi hidup dengan mereka yang bebas pula. Adinda ingin dinilai kualitasnya sebagai seorang manusia, bukan perempuan. 

Duhai Saijah, apakah kau termasuk jiwa yang merdeka? Jikalau iya, tidak sabar rasanya Adinda melihatmu kembali. Jikalau bukan, biarlah saja ia menjadi Adinda gadungan. 

How I Unwind

I have never liked being under the spotlight. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd rather remain oblivious- when people just pass me by without even taking a glance. The best possible way for a person like me to unwind? Grab a book and a purse, and then go to this very place where I inexplicably feel peaceful- a park.

I love parks. I love being amongst the trees, walking on the wet grass and paddling my feet in a heap of dried leaves. I love to just sit there on the park bench reading my book and gulping down my tea. It's a heaven on earth. The best easiest way to get a charm.

This is how I unwind...

When I Knew

"Aku sadar aku menggilaimu sejak aku membaca setiap kata yang kau lempar keluar

dari otak rumitmu itu."

Seventeen past three. I was struggling with drowsiness. I remembered the night before I had been determined to turn off the telly exactly when the clock stroke twelve. Literally midnight. It had been the first time I actually managed to beat the time. I meant how cool was that? Here’s a fact, nights and me had never been friends. Not even close. I hated it and it hated me even more. I unsurprisingly never survived midnight. So it was a bit of miracle to keep my eyes, both eyes, wide open at such very late time. I didn't know exactly when I had finally managed to fall asleep. Obviously not long after I shut my eyes.

Seventeen minutes ago I had been awake. It had taken me some minutes to finally realize what was going on. So I reluctantly dragged myself out of the room and headed to the loo. I badly needed to take a pee. Oh crap! Here’s another fact, I had a tendency to imagine ghosts, vampires and all those creepy creatures would suddenly appear on the glass window here on my toilet. No, I was not being paranoid. I just couldn’t help it. It was one of those bloody embarrassing secrets. There was no way I would let people know. They would laugh at me, right in front of me. No doubt.

I tiptoed back to my room, secretly wondering if dad and mum had heard anything. It was so quiet that I could even hear my dad’s snore. I listened again. There was nothing. I assumed they were both in such a deep sleep. It was such a relief. I knew I was supposed to go back to bed, instead I decided to grab my laptop and entered the living room.  I chose one of my favourite corners in the house and began to turn my laptop on.

It was entirely dark outside. The cold touched me gently. I heard the wind whispered me a good-night. The moon and the stars sang me a lullaby. The rest of the world was still asleep. So was facebook. I played around. I moved the cursor aimlessly wondering if I could find something exciting. Five minutes had past. Nothing. Another five-minute past. Still nothing. Then I came across your name. Your bloody name. I instinctively moved the cursor and clicked the button. A recipe for a disaster!

It was the same boring page all over again. A little bit of disappointment flushed through me. Yeah, just like I hadn't expected it. No sign of your existence. It was just an empty old house no body seemed to care. I should have known. I looked more intently and was sure you had been away for a while. Those abandoned phrases were the only way for me to trace you. That you had once actually lived there, in the brisk world of facebook. Again, I should have known. Then why bothered hitting the button over and over again?

I moved the cursor up and down, left and right. I read through whatever you had written for the umpteenth time. I smiled when it was romantic, laughed when it was ludicrous. I admired your choice of words and was amazed at your point of view. And I felt this unpleasant odd feeling when you flirted. The thought of you had made me paralyzed. Then my heart beat indescribably faster and faster. Mix feeling. Same old thing. I shouldn't have done this in the first place. It always ended up like this. Somehow I knew this time it was different. I just couldn't place it. It was rather a blur.

Next, I felt the rush to go to bed. It seemed that my eyes just couldn't take it any longer. I did a quick calculation. In less than three hours I had to be at school. I turned off my laptop and left it on the chair. As I stood, those random memories of you immediately replayed in my head.  All of a sudden I felt secure. Peaceful. I had found my very own personal space! The thought surprised me, but more in a I-knew-it-was-going-to-happen sort of way. This was the most peculiar moment I had ever had in my life. I was walking to my room with both eyes half closed. I was falling in love with you. I was missing you. I was literally tracing you. And nothing felt better.

My Very Own Thoughts!

Hello! This time I would love to share my very own thoughts to you all! Mind this, you may NOT agree with some of them, yet this is my personal feeling about stuff. So take it easy! I have shared them mostly on facebook and twitter, now let me have them on the blog.

When you finally decides to fly, the gravity is no longer important. It is just something that reminds you of the ground.

Maybe I am not able to hear your footsteps, but I can still follow your footprints. So make sure you walk slowly, I probably catch up with you very soon.

Sometimes we don't talk in a way that anybody else does, but we know exactly what we mean to each other.

Love does tolerate mistakes, but love is not an excuse for them.

There is actually a huge difference between praise and compliments. Mostly, you should be careful with compliments, they sometimes end up insincere.

I just need to get you out of my mind. Your absence does drive me crazy, but your presence drives me crazy even more.

when you cannot change the system, just play dumb. But, it doesn't mean you may become a real dumb.

Girls should not act stupid in front of boys. It isn't cute at all!

Everytime I get hurt from doing what I think is right, I tell myself, "it's okay girl, short term pain, long term gain."

Personal relationship does make you emotionally fragile.

It takes a bunch of courage for girls to tell boys how they feel, and when they get let down because of that, boys will never ever hear from them again.

That's right, Baby. You ignite me then let me go. Then all you see is the shining beautiful colours of me. Oh yes, Baby. I'm that firework those people are talking about.

Dear girls, when boys ignore you,they actually give you more reason to believe the fact that they don't deserve your heart. Don't waste time, darling.

I'm moving on, Baby. Everything about you is so yesterday. Now I'm putting my prettiest dress and cutest shoes on , getting ready for Saturday Night.

‎"Yes, maybe you've lost a piece of puzzle. But somehow some where out there, there is another one that just fits the space it has left." I keep telling myself.

Life is a generous treat God has given you. So THANK YOU won't be that hard, will it?

Ironic the fact that they look at me whilst I look at you and you look at someone else.

I AM NOT and NEVER WAS interested in politics. To me it is a form of boring game played by those two-faced people. Just wait and see which face is more dominant.

Good girls' make up: 1) books = an eyeshadow, 2) recitation = a lipstick, 3) shame = a blush-on

‎1) being sexy without mini skirt, 2) being flirty without looking cheap, and 3) being sophisticated without arrogance. To all tpretty girls.

All this time my life has been a sentence ending in a 'comma', but when I look into your eyes, it eventually ends in 'a full'stop'. You're the one, none of them matters now.

Things that don't go together: number and me. Things that go together very perfectly: you and me, Honey!

You are this bad habit which I would love to break but just can't help carrying on doing.

If there was anything I fancy learning right now, that would be you. You've been like this hard lesson I just wouldn't be able to comprehend, at all.

Girls, when boys steal your hearts, make sure they give their hearts in return instead of returning your hearts to you.

For some girls, beauty is a matter of make-up, for some others it's a matter of what's inside, and for some, it's a matter of EVERYTHING

There's always one guy, no matter how many other come, only he who manages to make you smile.

As the time flies, you will stop mourning for the person. You will mourn for the time you have wasted to mourn that guy.

I like you because you have made me realize that there was an empty space in me which nothing could perfectly fill in but you.

I thought I could write anything I wanted on the blog. yet there are things I badly need to share but too private to tell.

Tweets

Why TWEETS? Because these are what I normally say on twitter. They are sort of quotations, some I wrote myself some I copied.

1. We can't love someone who's gone away, we're just loving a memory.
2. They call themselves grown-ups, but at some point they behave just like kids.
3. Just because it didn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't worth it.
4. Memory is a way of holding onto things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
5. When things just fit into places, then you just know he's the one.
6. The sun shines but there are dark clouds as well. Will it be raining soon? Then I'll see the rainbow I suppose.
7. What's the point in knowing anyway, when it makes you feel worse?
8. It's hard letting people get close knowing that the moment u give them your heart & trust they are the ones that could destroy it.