That Creepy Thing is Called 'Heart'

Seems like it was yesterday when he and I sat side by side, struggling with a monotonous lecture together with the other many expressionless faces who were mostly bored, and probably didn’t even have any idea of what they had been dealing with for the whole morning. Or, when we joked around with each other, guiltily giggling at someone else’s silliness. Or, when we simply enjoyed hundreds of nights talking about how rubbish the days we had been through, while sipping our tea from those white cups with some peculiar painting of flowers on it, which I bought for his birthday present. Yes, all of a sudden, it all now feels practically so close when this person, the one who, in my poor understanding of life, used to be the only figure that best defined my existence, turned up uninvited that night, just out of the blue. 

But wait, don’t think about us renewing the relationship! Forget about that weird hysteria when your lover calls, or that inexplicable excitement every time you see his name popped up on your screen. It’s not even close. The other way around, I felt an absence of emotion in this giant savannah of my heart- no surprise, no eagerness, no pleasure, and even no grief- just nothing. What happened that night was monumental, indeed. Well, at least to me, but more in a way that it eventually confirms all the theories. That time heals the wound. That yesterday is only a history. And that was it. That one-hour telephone conversation means nothing but a statement- that I am completely over the past. Now, I can gleefully look back on my life and joyously ridicule myself for once being such a moron.

However, the bizarre revelation is maybe how I still get mesmerized, even after so many times, at the thought of how we, humans, never really have an absolute control over our very own heart. How odd the fact that heart is an outsider! It’s a stranger that lives in such a privileged inner-circle with, even peculiarly, some sort of authoritative power to rule the other parts of the body. Just like the Queen who has got the ability to rule ‘the kingdom of feelings’, or the King who indirectly governs all the other system. It is a solitude though surrounded by a lot of intertwined bonds. It is a joker.

And, even more amazing to me is how it works. No matter how well you think you know yourself, you’ll never truly know your heart. Scientifically, heart is merely a pump. It distributes blood throughout the body. It is indeed very complex and prominent, but still just a pump. Then how come such an ordinary pump has a significant power over everything? My ingenuity always fails to grasp the explanation. Okay then, let alone the quirky vital organ. Science is not something I am familiar with, and will never be.

Back to the night when that very telephone conversation occurred, so he called me. We talked about stuff, and then we hung up. It didn’t feel weird at all when the chatter was happening, but it does feel strange when I contemplate about the scene every now and then. This was the person I once cared too much, the one who I was stuck on for such a very long time. He made my heart skip a beat, or maybe two, or three. And when he was gone back years ago, I unintentionally dragged myself into a murderous cycle of crying-getting mad-hating and self-loathing. Now I am completely over that phase. All those feelings have, finally, drifted away. Or should I call it vanish? As nothing lingers, like nothing at all. We are now nothing else but two people who accidentally know each other. Two tiny pieces of the gigantic universe. 

Indeed I don’t have power over my own heart. I am simply an object of its authority. It works in such a way I can’t translate. And in spite of its clenched-fist size, it has managed to make me and my entire world, its slave. So the feeling could actually go forever! This when I come to realize, maybe I was trying too hard back then. Why didn’t I just give it a space and time? Let my heart do the magical trick freely, without tension or resistance. Let it unknot those tangled things without breaking anything, replace the feelings of loss and regret with freedom and relief. 

How I can’t rule my heart! On the contrary, it might rule ME. It’s like a supreme energy of the divine. It does what seems can’t be done and undoes what has been done. What appears dazzling yesterday, might turn foolish today, and vice versa. It's all in the hands of this creepy organ called heart. So who says heart is fragile? It’s totally incorrect. It is monstrous!