It’s been two years since the last time I saw him. Many things have changed, including my feeling. If you asked me how I feel right now, I would say I am okay. But if you asked me the same question probably a year ago, you would get a totally different answer. The thing is maybe because I have now (eventually) realized that I had nothing to lose. What I thought I lost yesterday was never really mine. We were just two persons who fell in love back then who decided to let each other be parts of our days simply because we wanted to. There was neither agreement nor compromise. We were simply volunteering. So when it was over that very moment, we had no right to put the blame on any body just because we thought we had them. We should have been grateful for the fact that for that very short time, we managed to have them in our lives instead.
However, it was never easy for me to accept the theory. Why should I be grateful for someone who had caused me so much misery and pain? Who had made me cried almost every single night? I must have been such an idiot if I did so. So that is when I started blaming myself for everything which had happened. I kept thinking there was no one else who deserved the ‘karma’ but me. I thought by doing so I would feel secure as I could always find a way to punish myself, just to make me feel better. I found it so wrong eventually. I just could not blame myself for something I never did. I was hurt too. How could I be punished if I felt miserable myself?
Somewhat I still felt the pain, though at a certain degree it was obviously different, but I knew it was still there. It was never really gone, it was just disguised. Then I came to realize that you would never ever get cope with the pain so easily. There would always things which remind you of it. Then everything would feel as painful as it used to be. I read a book that night, when it suddenly struck me. Hey it was not the person, it was not what I had because what I actually had was nothing but a mess and a mistake. It was the better version of what I thought I could have. So it was like you fell twice. You lost both what you thought you had and the better version of it. How could I possibly be fine when in fact I was already such a wreck? I guess it was so normal back then if I cried, screamed and even swore. No body seemed to understand but thank God I did understand. It was easier when you knew what was wrong so you knew exactly where to start the healing.
Here I am now, very proud of my self for being able to drag me in and (finally) out of the horrible state one could possibly be. I believe there are so many people out there who used to be or are in the same situation that makes it so ordinary. What is out of the ordinary is the way you deal with it. Keep fighting, folks! If you think you still have no idea how to get rid of the pain, just leave it to the real healer, GOD.
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