Chasing Rainbows

As we started our dinner last night, she prudently admitted stuff. Something which I frankly last expected to hear, when the moon still orbited the earth and the latter still orbited the sun, at the very least. However, there was this peculiar urge, a desire I might as well call, to simply listen to what she was about to blurt out, as it had something to do with that very person whose existence, for so many indescribable reasons, once had been the essence of this tiny little world of mine. The one that got away, as my best friend always said.

“He did care about you, if that might gratify you.” She startled me with her blunt, most unexpected yet delighting confession. I was all ears, though I tried to seem not. 

Assuming she was not paying attention, I grabbed my cup at the drop of a hat, and sipped my coffee nervously. My heart was beating so penetratingly that I swear someone could have heard. I choked. Shortly, I found myself trying too hard to mask my clumsiness under a loud cough. I failed though. This very best friend of mine noticed every single thing. 

“You don’t need to fake it. I know you like the back of my hand, honey.” She smiled, broadly. And something about it made me want to literally bite my tongue. 

“Yeah.” I whispered between my clenched teeth, feeling completely idiotic. 

“So, isn’t the news good? Now you actually no longer have this so called unfinished business with the you-know-who. It must be a relief. It deserves a medal. After all those months.”

“What deserves a medal?”

“Well, the revelation, of course.” She sluggishly answered the question.

“I’m sorry, but why do I have this feeling that somebody is trying to say that that somebody deserves a medal? Not particularly the revelation.”

“It is the revelation that deserves a medal. Not that somebody. That somebody was just delivering a message and conveying the meaning, that if you let her.” We are inevitably at each other’s throats. Silence followed. My mind was disoriented. Then she continued,

“Whoa! Whatever, my dear. Let’s not talk about what or who deserves a medal. We both know it’s not the thing I want to point out in the first place. Don’t give me the impression that you are trying to avoid the subject. You aren’t, are you?

“I am not.” I retorted as I looked away, trying to avoid her scrutinizing eyes.

“You just sound like my little sister when she gets mad.” She annoyingly laughed. 

The situation was always like this. Unnerving. I lost control of every single thing when she brought up the subject. And she just knew exactly where to stab me. She carried on when the laughter faded to some sort of periodic giggles.

 “Fine, then. Let’s go back to the revelation. And please, no more trying-to-look-for-any-excuse mode on. So tell me, beautiful princess, are you gratified?”

“Gratified with what?” I responded, irritated, and challenged her intimidating eyes.

“You’re playing dumb, huh? I’m asking you if you are feeling gratified with knowing that you-know-who did actually care about you back then?”

“You, mad lady, would you please correct me if I’m wrong? Was it you the one who once told me to quit chasing rainbows? To give up on it? Then why are you bringing up the subject again? After all what I’ve been through for gad’s sake! You’re so unreal.” My voice trembled and shrieked to three different octaves.

“Well, I did tell you that. But it’s an obviously different issue we’ve got here. Asking you to quit chasing rainbows is completely absolutely different from asking you to admit your feeling. Does that make sense to you? Or you’re still trying to play this dumb girl stuff with me?”

“Okay. Fine. You wanna know how I feel? You really wanna know? I don’t believe you. The possibility of him caring about me is almost the same as the possibility of my high heels walking to the prom by themselves. That’s how I feel.”

She adjusted her seat as I carried on, “And why would that have mattered? Now that I have my own life, he’s got his. He seems happy and I without doubt am. Talking over something that has passed won’t do me any good. So just drop it.”

After for what felt like a minute, she mouthed a word which looked so much like a lie from across the table, making her lips ten times bigger than necessary. She added an exaggerated wink soon after that, which made her look completely ridiculous. I rose quickly from my chair.

“Where are you going?”

“Need the bathroom. What? You wanna know what I’m doing there as well?” I left as I heard her giggling relentlessly. 

***

I spent ten minutes in the toilet. If only I had not been in a public one, I would have locked myself inside for another ten. I was just too embarrassed to meet her. I was overreacting. I was in such a denial. Caught red-handed. And this very good friend of mine had always been too clever to be deceived that sometimes I refused to talk things over with her, especially when it came to that very person whom I had been determined to say a farewell to.

When I came back to our table, the room was almost empty. The other customers who previously gathered around the table next to ours had vanished. My friend was finishing her dessert. She swirled the spoon over and over again, without any intention to actually eat the ice cream inside her giant white cup.

“Are you going to finish that? I can call a monkey to do you the job if you want to.” I pointed the ice cream with my chin. 

“No. Yes. No. I don’t know. What do you reckon?” She threw out a question instead of answering mine. This was what I hate mostly about her, always managed to throw out those random questions just to see what my mood is like. And what I hated even more was that she always succeeded with the effort. 

            “It’s melting. You’d better finish it soon, unless you don’t feel like eating what you have ordered in the first place.”

            “That’s the point, hon. You comprehend my mood so very perfectly. Standing ovation.” She put her hands in the air and casually gestured a couple of claps.

            “You’re out of your mind. I can’t believe I’m hanging out with someone who is currently not competent to grasp a very simple sentence. You do speak English, don’t you?”

            “HA HA HA. I grasp the sentence very well, even beyond what you have expected. Thus, I was trying to make you grasp it the way I do. Because it seems to me that you still don’t get the point in us having the conversation tonight” She ignored the question.

“Try me.”

“Listen, you naïve woman, mood changes. And choices will always get in the way. I did order the ice cream earlier. Because I love ice cream and felt like having it as a dessert tonight. But then we had that argument, just because I wanted to let you know the ugly truth about your past relationship. Then I end up finding the ice cream no longer tantalizing. Hence, I have chosen not to finish it. Otherwise, I’m gonna make my stomach receive something that I least desire. And I just can’t.  But no, that’s not the point. The point is that I have made a decision. That melted ice cream will never ever have the ability to ruin it.”

“I know. I got it. You’re trying to tell me that knowing you-know-who did actually care about me shouldn’t have bothered me. But in fact, it did. I have never been a competent liar. So here it goes. The fact that he genuinely had the feeling for me is pleasing and heart-breaking at the same time. If that feeling did exist, I would now be with him having dinner, instead of with you. If he had actually felt what I felt back then, he wouldn’t have let me go. So, I refuse to believe it. Yet, the other part of me is feeling glad. Glad to finally find the answer to the question that had filled my head since so long ago. But that still doesn’t change the fact that we two just don’t work. And the pain is incorrigible. And I’m a bit upset about it. I really am.”

“We all have choices, dear. I made one. You did the same. And you know what? You have made the best out of all you can possibly make. You chose certainty and happiness over spending months or years or however long it would have been chasing rainbows. After all, rainbows probably are not meant to be chased, they are meant to be simply adored. That way, you’ll find things easier.”

The evening sky darkened, as dark as my vision about the past. But I knew there would always be the moon with its dim light. Then so long, rainbows. It took the sun light and the rain to get you in sight. While I was here, enjoying the moon light.

I Love You

He asked me to sing him a song, again. Just like the other night when I sang this Raisa’s “Could It Be Love” on the phone, with him listening at the other end of the line. It was a daunting task, not because I couldn’t, well I could sing and to be honest, I kind of thought I was actually pretty good, but I always found it extremely embarrassing to show the ability publicly. And although singing to him was not regarded as a public performance, since what we had here was only him as the audience, still that very idea of singing on the phone was simply freaking me out. I was neither a good entertainer nor a competent singer that way. It was always me being shy and unconfident. I somewhat had got butterflies in my stomach for no particular reason. 

Still and all, I managed to finish one refrain, of course with such a huge effort, not to mention that heart beat-skipping moment, only for the sake of this very person.

And on that dull and not very enchanting afternoon, he did it again, asked me to sing a song for him. I could have said no, a real no which meant that I was not singing no matter what, instead I found myself being cheap. He didn’t really need to try hard, at all. After a couple of Nos, Avril Lavigne’s “I Love You” was the best I could come up with. I didn’t even know why I picked the song, probably because I was so madly in love or merely because of the lyrics which best described how I felt. It was just there, came out of nowhere. As a matter of fact, my mind kept chanting it during that phone talk. So much for awkwardness. So I sang him, I Love You, Avril Lavigne. 

“You’re so beautiful

But that’s not why I love you

I’m not sure you know

That the reason I love you

Is you being you, just you

Yeah, the reason I love you

Is all that we’ve been through

And that’s why I love you”

To my surprise, it was bloody easy. It felt exactly like those hundreds regular bathroom singings of mine. Thus, it was something I’d like to call a huge accomplishment. Noble, even. Prob`bly that’s why a couple of seconds after we hung up, I was stunned at how extroverted I was turning. I was not the person I had always been. Never before I managed to deal with awkwardness this quick and easy. I had always been the introverted, the dignified, the complicated, the unalive, the inanimate, and after all, a prude. But when he was around, I was someone else. Then I tried to figure things out, he was indeed one of a kind. There was seriously something about him. Something that peculiarly kept me going, that made things ridiculously easier and even crazier.

If we have hard times working things out with someone, no matter how much we think we like him, it’s not love. Love is supposed to be easy.

This I swear is true- in my case, at the very least. And this also how he is making me feel all the time. When life offers us a simplicity far beyond any of our expectations, it's not reasonable to wind things. When there is someone, with all his sweetness and charm, knocking unremittingly on our doors, it is foolish to hide behind the curtain. Love has always been easy. It is never meant to be complicated or twisted. Love should not put someone in a difficult situation whatsoever. Love inevitably works things out. It just fits in conveniently. And love will handle things with ease.

So, how should I define this thing between me and him?

It’s those phone talks with him at the other end of the line, making fun and joking around. It’s those intimate conversations with me talking continuously and him constantly and patiently listening. It’s those silly short text messages ended with an “I Love You” sent from our phones. It’s that very romantic night when he played the guitar and sang out aloud for me. It’s that embarrassing moment when I nervously had to sing that Raisa’s song for him. Finally, love was that Avril Lavigne’s “I Love You” which I was listening to while writing this.

Love is easy. 

Jaring Lelembut

Hari ini ada hajatan besar di kampung perbatasan. Para warga dengan ikhlas berbondong keluar rumah, yang lelaki tak lupa membawa lengkap peralatan kerja seperti sabit, kapak, dan lain sebagainya. Pun yang perempuan tak mau kalah. Didirikannya tenda di halaman salah satu warga, tentu saja dengan bantuan para lelaki. Disana, ditanaknya nasi, diiris-irisnya berbagai macam sayuran, dan ikan asin pun digoreng dengan minyak panas, menimbulkan bau yang terlampau lezat di hidung para lelaki yang kini sedang sibuk membabat rumput liar di pinggiran jalan, ataupun memotong pohon-pohon yang cabang rimbunnya menjadi sumber kekhawatiran warga, terutama ketika musim angin akan menghampiri seperti sekarang. Gotong royong memanglah menjadi akar utama kehidupan di kampung tersebut. Yang satu akan berebut menyokong yang lain yang sedang kesusahan, bukan malah berpura-pura buta pada kenyataan kehidupan. Mengaku prihatin, tapi enggan beranjak untuk meringankan. Atau bahkan ada yang lebih keterlaluan. Memasang tampang berduka atas bencana yang dialami sesama, tapi hatinya bersorak riang. Ah, manusia! Pandai sekali kalian bermuka dua.

Peringatan hari kemerdekaan di kampung perbatasan memang selalu seramai ini. Para gadis sudah sibuk berlenggak lenggok. Menggerakkan pinggul kesana kemari sembari berusaha mengingat gerakan-gerakan yang sudah diajarkan para seniornya. Sudah jauh hari lagu ditentukan, gerakan diciptakan, kini saatnya dipraktikkan. Bahkan, para bocah laki-laki pun tak kenal malu. Dirayunya para gadis tanggung itu, dimintanya untuk mengajari sepatah dua patah gerakan. Semua diselingi dengan canda, semua tertawa lepas tak terkira, lebur jadi satu dengan semangat kebebasan berkarya, tanpa benar-benar tahu untuk apa mereka harus bersuka cita demi yang terjadi di masa lampau. Sedahsyat apapun itu, segilang-gemilang apapun pencapaian di masa lalu, toh semua sudah lewat. Kalau tidak dirawat, tidak diperkuat, semua hanya akan menjelma menjadi pohon tak berakar, yang akan mudah tumbang terkena angin kencang. 

Di sebuah sudut yang tak begitu kentara, nampak ada sosok si pemuda sarjana, diam seribu kata. Sorot matanya menyudutkan. Salah satu sudut bibirnya tertarik ke atas dengan penuh kesinisan. Sungguh, begitu kontras wajah manusia yang satu ini dengan yang lain. Entah karena dia selalu makan berkecukupan, ditambah lagi vitamin yang belum tentu sebulan sekali dirasakan para bocah kampung itu, sehingga wajahnya selalu lebih bersih dari warga pada umumnya. Dan dulu, ketika dirinya masih bocah ingusan, selalu menjadi perhatian yang pertama dan utama karena ketampanannya. Si pemuda sarjana tampak khusyuk memaknai canda para bocah kampung. Betapa konyol mereka, batinnya. Begitulah Nak, nikmati masa-masa ini. Dimana berbuat bodoh masih dianggap lucu. Saat kau tidak harus memikirkan tentang nasib baik dan nasib buruk. Dulu saat kecil aku tidak pernah seperti kalian. Berjoget dengan tololnya hanya demi sebuah acara kemerdekaan. Untuk apa kalian peringati semua ini, kalau toh nanti ketika besar tetap tak ada nasi untuk dimakan?

Ya, Nak, lanjutkan kekonyolan kalian. Aku sudah tahu sejak mula kalian memang hanya generasi tumbal. Tumbal bagi mereka yang punya kekuasaan. Yang hidupnya ditujukan seolah-olah demi kemanusiaan, tapi berinti kemunafikan. Ya, dan sekarang, mari Nak, kalian jadi tumbalku. Ketika besar pun kalian tetap akan bernasib sama, sebagai tumbal. Jangan pernah bermimpi menjadi orang sepertiku. Terlalu tinggi nak, Mimpi ada batasnya.

Si pemuda sarjana melangkah menghampiri bocah-bocah kampung. Saat jarak semakin dekat, bocah-bocah itu berebut menyentuhkan pipinya pada tangan si pemuda sarjana. Salam tak lupa diucapkan, Senyuman yang paling manis dikembangkan. 

“Sudah siap tampil semuanya?”

“Sampun, Pak.”

“Iya, Bapak doakan semoga acaranya lancar.”

“Enggeh, Pak. Terima kasih”

Bagus, Nak. Aku akan menjadi Bapak kalian yang baik sekarang. Tidak akan ada yang meragukan ketulusan seseorang yang dekat dengan anak-anak. Orang tua kalian yang sebenarnya akan mendengar semua derma yang sudah aku lakukan. Dan pada akhirnya, hal itu akan membantu banyak. Kalian sudah menggali lubang tanpa kalian sadari. Lubang yang tidak hanya cukup untuk kalian diami sendiri, tapi juga bapak dan ibumu nanti. Dan suatu saat, akan kutagih semuanya. Hutang harus di bayar, Nak. Inilah ironi kehidupan. Yang kuat perlu yang lemah untuk dikorbankan. Suatu saat, mungkin akan kalian menyadari. Tapi saat itu semua sudah akan terlambat. Kalian sudah terjerat. 

Para bocah itu menari dan menyanyi. Di atas panggung yang teramat sederhana, hanya berhiaskan potongan-potongan kertas warna-warni. Riasan mereka belepotan di sana sini, tapi siapa yang mau peduli. Bocah-bocah merasa bak di negeri dongeng, menjadi putri dan pangeran di kampung sendiri. Orang tua mereka duduk di atas tikar. Mengulas senyum sarat dengan kebanggaan melihat anak yang di kandungnya menjadi bintang semalam. Tanpa mereka tahu, sebuah jaring raksasa sedang saling berpilin satu sama lain. Mengepung mereka dari berbagai sudut. Seringaian si empunya tak henti-henti tersungging. Selamat datang, jaring lelembut.