Sebuah catatan di akhir Februari tahun lalu...

Semakin memudar kenangan kita, semakin sulit untuk kugambarkan. Setiap sentuhan kasih, setiap tatapan sayang, kini seolah menguap menjadi sesuatu yang tidak kasat mata. Namun entah dengan cara apa, aku tahu mereka tetap nyata. Begitu hangat dan perih disaat yang sama. Ada kalanya mereka kembali dalam wujud embun pagi, menyentuh rerumputan hijau dalam bumiku. Bumi yang kini tidak lagi kau pijak. Bumi yang sudah jauh kau tinggalkan karena kini kau sudah melayang tinggi ke negeri dongeng yang selalu kau impikan.

Bahagiakah kau di sana mata daunku? Adakah sedetik dalam masa bahagiamu kau teringat pada bumi yang dulu kau diami? Yang dulu selalu kau andalkan sebagai tempat untuk berdiri?

Karena bumiku masih sama setelah ketiadaanmu. Tidak ada yang berubah. Rerumputan masih hijau, bunga-bunga masih dengan warna-warninya yang menakjubkan, burung-burung masih bersenandung di pagiku, dan anginpun tetap berhembus menebar sejuk.

Tapi entah mengapa rumput dan bunga itu tidak lagi indah di mataku, nyanyian burung terasa seperti tangga nada yang tak beraturan, dan sejuk yang dibawa anginpun terasa kosong di kulitku. Perasaan damai yang dulu setia kini pergi entah kemana, seolah angin telah menerbangkannya. Bisakah kau jelaskan semua ini padaku wahai mata daunku? Karena aku tidak bisa mengerti arti keadaan ini.

Dan aku ingin tahu, apakah negeri dongengmu seindah bumiku? Adakah laut biru yang memanjakanmu dengan sepinya? Adakah hutan yang menyuguhkan petualangan untukmu? Atau bahkan sekedar taman bermain untuk melepas letih? Ceritakan padaku wahai si mata daun, berbagilah kebahagiaanmu. Karena seperti yang pernah kukatakan, bahagiamu adalah kekuatanku untuk terus menyongsong waktu.

Kita selalu bermimpi untuk menjelajah bumi. Berkeliling melihat tempat-tempat terindah. Sudahkah kau mewujudkannya di negeri dongengmu? Keajaiban apa yang sudah kau dapatkan? Dan ketika kakimu letih melangkah, dimanakah kau berhenti sejenak untuk meluruskan kakimu? Untuk mengusir dahagamu dengan segelas air? Ceritakanlah padaku, aku ingin mendengarnya. Aku yakin kau punya sejuta kisah untuk dibagi.

Lalu mengapa kau membisu? Tidakkah cukup banyak kata yang bisa kau gunakan untuk merangkai kalimatmu? Mengapa mata daunku? Begitu enggan kau membuka mulutmu.

Samar-samar aku melihatmu dalam mimpi. Kau begitu bahagia di atas bumiku. Kau tersenyum dan tertawa. Tidak ada segurat kesedihan di wajahmu. Dan aku menikmati itu. Menikmati setiap tingkah tak biasamu. Wahai si mata daun, katakan padaku kau bahagia di bumiku, sebahagia kau sekarang di negeri dongengmu. Aku titipkan sepenggal kenangan tentang bumi ini di satu bagian dalam duniamu yang indah. Menjadi satu bagian dalam ceritamu. Dan suatu saat nanti, ketika kau terlelap dalam tidur, kau akan bermimpi tentang bumi yang dulu kau pijak. Tentang bunga, burung dan rerumputan di pagi hari.

Recalling all over again...

So I opened my facebook this morning and read some of my notes. I found this piece of writing I wrote in 2010. I kind of like it. It brought me a sudden flashback of the things I love and despise at the same time. I'm posting it on my blog not because I'm still stuck on that same old thing that had changed my life, but merely because I'm enjoying it. It's been part of my journey and it deserves to be put here on my so called online journal. Happy reading, guys! xxx

Falling Apart

(20 November 2010)

I woke up in the middle of the night. It was the nightmare-not actually a nightmare, but it really was something that would make you feel miserable on its own way (even when you are just dreaming) that kept me awake. It’s not a kind of those nightmares about ghosts, vampires or evil things, but something which I have been trying to forget for the past view months!

I’m thinking about this now because it’s one of those nights-a message in my facebook inbox brings everything back! It is long ago, but it’s so funny how near it all seems to me. I remember vividly so many nights when I used to wake up feeling so hurt and insecure. One kind of which would make you feel sick and yucky. And I oddly feel the same feeling at this very moment when I strongly believe that I have got over it at all. Everything feels like as fresh and sore as ever.

And then I guess I have just realized that the wound still actually lays there and I don’t know for how long it will be. All this time I have been pretending that everything is fine, but they are just not. I was and am hurt. I have lost something which used to be the best and the most significant in my life. All of a sudden I want it back tonight, more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I feel incredibly sad and miserable. But when I look back and think about it, it’s not the person I am mourning. It’s the lost hope, the lost possibility and a version of the future that won’t possibly happen now.

The person might have vanished or melted away, but not the things you share. You think you have found the perfect way to settle down, but then suddenly you just know that you can’t do it that way, then you let it slip by and try to find another way right from the start. Perhaps I found it harder than some people. Luckily I am completely aware of the state where I am now. I just can’t go back to where I was. All of that’s over, so over.

The Best Thing

(25 October 2010)

I know there is always one moment in your happy time when you unintentionally recall all the bitter memories. I know it will make you either smile or cry. But the best part of it is that you know what you have had is actually real! All the misery you feel, the tears you see, are just the proof that you do not live an imaginary life.

Life is sometimes about making the correct choices. When you feel like it all fits into place, then you just know. But there is always the loss. When you cannot grip what you have in your hand any longer, then it is time to let go. No matter how miserable you are at that time, you will always know that you will be fine eventually.

People say time heals the wound. I would say nothing is actually healed; it is merely something which is left behind. There's no such thing as forgetting, only accepting and changing, and that's what I did. So keep walking. Nothing is going to be so wrong. If they were, then the only way for them to go is up. And one day when you look back on your life, you will think that this might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

stuff in my bag...

I happened to check and take a photo of these stuff I had in my old green bag, apart from the camera this morning before I left for school. Have a look at it and you'll be able to figure out things about me. And if you're smart enough, you'd know what type of person I am. Obviously I am not that 8-4 desk-job sort. Feel free to assume :)

Best Companion in Life

Books have always been the best companion one could possibly have. They take us to places we've never been to, bring us laughters and tears, fill our days with dreams and hopes. Out of all the things they could do, the best is that they always manage to stay whatsoever comes in the way. And that's what friends are for after all....

Happy Saturday, Guys!

Oh my gosh! It's weekend, again! Sometimes I just can't believe how quick time goes by. I remember when I used to be a school girl, a day could be like a week. And now the older I'm getting, the quicker it seems. Do you also sometimes feel that, guys?

Well I went to this immigration last Thursday trying to get my passport. I was late as it is open only from 8-12, and I got there at 2. I guess I should go earlier then. I was also trying to find out how to get UK visa. An unfriendly guy behind the counter said I should go to UK Embassy which is in Jakarta to get one. Oh my goodness! Could I just do it online? Can anybody tell me how?

It just so happened that my head teacher took me to a bookstore. So off we went. As usual, it has always been the import book section I would search in the first place as I am totally into English literature. There were loads! I managed to read the review of almost 20 books and decided to buy myself 4 classics and 2 fiction. Now my bookcase looks a lot better with those 6 additional books.

I am expecting my bestie today at my house. Hopefully she'd manage to come. We badly need to finish this school bulletin by the end of this month. What a busy February!

Another big deal is this master degree I'm taking. I just found the registration detail last night on the web. Gosh, this master program really costs me such a fortune. Mum and dad, your daughter needs your help here! Fingers crossed!

Gotta go have my breakfast now, chicken! Love it! xxx

The Last Day

these guys are desperately trying to go native!

sorry, you can only see me from the back!

So, yesterday (Monday) was my last day with these European and American guys. It was quite a busy morning at school since we celebrated the birth of Muhammad earlier. But it only lasted about one and a half hours. At 8.30 the guys are ready for their good byes. I managed to have them part with all the kids one by one which was really heartbreaking as we like them a lot. They had been super lovely!

At 9.45 we went to Karang Jati Swimming Pool along with probably 45 kids. We had this special conversation class with five different stations-swimming pool, parking lot, park, restaurant and body spa. The kids also managed to make drawings, a kind of caricature for the guys.

Next we had lunch. Alex and Art crossed their legs so awkwardly as this's not their custom to do such things. Well normally they have this dinning table and chairs but not that afternoon. Michal, Alison and Janka seemed to do it better, I'm not sure if they felt comfortable though.

As soon as we finished our lunch, we went for swimming. This was the worst part out of all my time with them. I have always felt insecure about swimming. It was like my second biggest nightmare (I'm not telling what is the first). However I joined them, though I didn't swim at all (well, technically I swam a little bit as I did this sliding in the water a couple of time).

Art splashed water on me like many times and I was so proud of my self that I managed to fight back. I was so not going to let him go with that. HAHAHA. Alison taught the boys this Canadian thing called Lumber Jack. I didn't really get how it worked but it seemed fun.

Then it's time for the spa house. The boys were having their body massage when I got there, while Janka was having this hair treatment. Alison got the last turn so that by the time the other guys finished, she started hers. All of us had to wait for the girl. Then Art started this joke when he saw one of the beauticians wearing this mask, he asked me this tricky question: "why is she wearing that thing? Do we bule stink?" I was like oh my goodness, how could he come up with that crazy idea? I answered, "No. of course not." Then it just crossed my mind to have a go, so I said, "Do you think you stink, Art?" I felt so good to see his reaction on the question. He took this deodorant out of this plastic bag and sprayed it over his body. Right after that he came to me and made me smell it. Gosh, Art! I am so going to miss you. HAHA

I drove the guys back home at 5 in the afternoon. So we parted. It was hard as they have been part of me now. I asked the girls if I could have a hug. And Art made his last go that day by saying, "is it inappropriate if I have a hug too?" Oh he's hilarious. Thank you very much, guys! It's been such a pleasure! xxx

Absolutely the Highlight of February

10 February 2011

The Radio Show

I had an hour radio show with these guys, started at 9 am. There were five of them-Michal (Czech Rep), Art (Netherlands), Alex (America), Alison (Canada) and Janwa (Slovakia). We started the show with a short introduction and how they found Indonesia and ABC School.

Then we talked about their hometowns which was very interesting as I could learn a bit about those countries. Apparently both Slovakia and Czech Rep used to be parts of Czechoslovakia and they split into Czech Republic and Slovakia. Therefore though they speak different kind of languages they could still understand each other. Michal and Janwa managed to have a short conversation which sounds great though I didn't know the meaning.

Art also managed to speak Dutch. I had no idea what he was talking about but I said thank you as he said something about Me and the radio, it must be good I supposed.

We spent the rest of the show talking about the things they had been and will be doing in Indonesia. Even though it was a bit awkward at the beginning, so glad I finally could break the ice and made the conversation way less formal. It was so much fun. They were all very lovely, especially Art, he was kind of really funny. I couldn't help laughing all the time. And I guess I was right since when I asked they other guys one quick question: "who is the craziest out of all of you?" They answered in unison: "Art". Now that explains everything.

We managed to have some photos taken at the end of the show which was fun. Thank you, guys! You were very lovely during the show!

11 February 2011

It was one bright Friday morning when the six of us started our unexpectedly never-ending journey in Batu. We left for this Museum Satwa at about 8.15. The moment these guys got into the car I felt like in a totally different place-America or somewhere as they are all white and speak English but the driver of course. Somehow the fantasy was really cool.

Museum Satwa

Once we reached the place the guys were mesmerized by the view and the beauty of the building. They said it was beyond their expectation which was good as it was meant to be a surprise. One good sign!

We had to wait for 15 minutes or so as the museum hadn't opened yet. So we managed to use the time to go into this hotel where we're going to spend the night which is right beside the museum to have them keep our bags and belongings.

We were all excited , including me though I've been there like four times. But this one was obviously special. So we saw the bugs, the insects, the dinosaurs, etc. The journey didn't last long or it might be just my feeling as normally something good goes by pretty quick. Then we had our lunch somewhere outside the museum. I wasn't really hungry at that time hence I didn't really enjoy it. I hope the guys enjoyed theirs though.

Secret Zoo

Afterward we continued our very journey to this Secret Zoo. I was so excited as I've never been to the place before. Art kept doing this crazy thing along the way. He asked like almost every animal questions like: "Hi, cantik/tampan! what have you been doing? what's your name? what, no name? well okay and bla bla bla". I felt like oh my gosh, he's totally crazy! I asked Alex who was walking beside me at that time: "How can he manage to be always like that?" Alex just pulled a face and shrugged his shoulders. What an extraordinary Dutch man!

We saw many beautiful creatures in the zoo, ones we knew how to call with and ones we had no idea about. It was like a never-ending journey as it looked pretty small but turned out to be very long. Everybody was getting tired and tired yet still excited to explore the place.

Pohon Inn

So we finished our journey in that labyrinth-look alike zoo at 2 pm or so and went to check in this very hotel called Pohon Inn. It was gorgeous! I like the way they have managed to have this tree-look alike on the building. Such a good work! Our rooms were on the fifth floor. Michal, Art and Alex were in 502 while Alison, Janwa and me were in 504.

The girls were so delighted about the shower as they hadn't had a real shower since they came to Indonesia. I really must admit that the bathroom they have in the hotel is awesome with those mirrors and stuffs. I am not sure about the boys but they seemed to enjoy the shower too.

We spent the whole afternoon in our rooms. Janwa looked so tired that she decided to have a nap. Alison preferred watching one of the films which she borrowed from Art. I was about to sleep when I heard the door bell which was so loud that I couldn't be able to sleep anymore. So I decided to text one of my buddies back home. What a day!

Batu Night Spectaculer-Food Court

I forget what time exactly we left the hotel for BNS, obviously sometime after 7. As soon as we arrived, we headed the food court. Oh God I felt like a terrible guide-the worst ever here as I had no idea about the place.

Luckily these guys I was keeping company were very kind. They managed to order their own meal. I had noodle and a bottle of tea. I didn't remember what the other guys had but Janwa and Alex. They had spaghetti and sate. My noodle was not really nice, kind of too salty. I just couldn't finish it which I found out rude as I saw the other guys were all trying to finish theirs though I guess it was not that yummy. Well at least I learnt another lesson.

Mam Wiwid's joining us made the dinner a lot more special as she is the one who made all the things happened. Art did something really silly when he took the glass with a candle in it to another table and a sate stick to light a fire with. It was like all the people in food court was looking at him and he didn't even bother. This guy is totally unbelievable!

Batu Night Spectaculer-Rides

One thing which was so exciting about BNS is the night rides. The guys were all excited to go for all the rides they could go. They tried this ride first-I can't remember what it's called, where everybody sits on a flying chair, the one that looks like a swing but there are loads of them. Then it moves round and round, faster and faster. I could see they had so much fun up there, Michal, Alex and Art didn't look frighten at all. They made it look so easy! I didn't go though, I was way such a coward.

The next ride looked even scarier. Somehow like driven by some weird courage I decided to come along. I kept telling myself I was so going to regret it and I did regret that 60 seconds up there. It was like the worst 60 seconds in my entire life, for God's sake-totally not gonna go for another one in the future. I can even still feel this horrible feeling in my stomach and head every time I think of it.

I remember I shouted the whole time on the ride; "Janwa please stop it. Oh my gosh! I feel like dying Janwa. Just stop it. I can't go for more. Please Janwa, stop it." Now I realize there was no point in shouting anyway.

Afterward Alex asked me if I was OK, and I said: "Well Alex, at least if somebody asked me: "Dini, have you ever tried that ride?"

I would say: "Yeah"

"How was it?"

"Oh it was goood. You should try it."

Then as soon as he jumps off the ride, he would come and kill me."

Alex laughed at my joke which meant it was a good one.

12 February 2011

I was awaken at 5. It was so quiet in the room since Alison and Janwa were still sleeping. It took me like 60 minutes to decide either to continue my sleep or to have an early shower. I finally chose to do the latter. Oh I love the warm water that came from the shower so much. I felt like I didn't want to get out. So I stayed there for about 30 minutes-totally enjoying the shower.

I was told the night before that breakfast would start at 9 but apparently the breakfast started earlier. I had fried rice, chicken, and a cup of tea. I managed to have a muffin too. I don't know what the other guys had as I sat on a different table. Hopefully they enjoyed whatever it was they were having.

Next Michal, Art, Alex, Alison and Janwa played games together with all the sixth graders (have I told you that all the sixth graders, some of the teachers and parents were also coming? If not, well I guess I just did) I love this apple game-I don't know what it's called. But it was so fun. Art and Alison were very good at modelling! It felt like I was watching a slow motion film when they did that. We spent like 75 minutes on the hotel hall.

Jatim Park 1

We checked out at 9.30 and then headed Jatim Park 1. Pak Sibly, our driver, had been really kind during the journey. I am not sure who started, either Alex or Art, they pronounced it "Possibly" instead of "Pak Sibly" which was so cool. I kind of like that too.

Alex kept teasing me by saying stuff like we're going to find the biggest roller coaster for Dini or Dini, look, Flying Tornado. And I said, Oh Alex, I hate you. Then he laughed. While Art kept embarrassing me about me texting. This is one of his jokes:

"who are you texting, Dini?"

"I'm not texting Art. I'm just checking the time."

"No, I saw you texting. Come on tell me." Art went on.

"No, really. I was just checking the time." I said.

"Oh well that's okay if you don't want to tell me."

After a couple of seconds he went on:

"So, who was it?"

Then everybody burst into laughter. Art!

We tried several rides at JP1 but the most exciting was the flying tornado. I loved it a lot, like a lot! There we were, screaming for excitement together with the other people. So much fun!

A heavy rain came unexpectedly. We gotta find a place to hide and the food court sounded perfect as all of us were starving. Michal told me that he needed a big portion. So I asked the man behind the counter if we could get extra for him and he said okay. What a nice Chinese man he was! Janwa and me had fries and chicken nugget. Alison had fried rice with shrimp. While all the boys had fried noodle. I guess we all enjoyed our lunch there. It was yummy.

Finally even a never-ending journey had an end. I walked together with Michal heading for the parking lot in which Possibly (Pak Sibli, the driver) and his car were waiting. I told him how I felt like a terrible guide for them but he said I was totally not. I was great instead and they had so much fun with me. Somehow I kept thinking those guys were just being kind to me.

We all fell asleep during our back home to Pandaan. Though I'm not really sure about Michal and Alex who were sitting at the back. But one thing for sure, I would never ever forget this moment. We came from six different countries but we were just like friends. These guys also treated me so nicely. Apart from the fact that I was the only Asian amongst the group, they made me feel like I was just one of them. What a beautiful universe!

another lovely moment with some guys from another part of this world

Tweets

Why TWEETS? Because these are what I normally say on twitter. They are sort of quotations, some I wrote myself some I copied.

1. We can't love someone who's gone away, we're just loving a memory.
2. They call themselves grown-ups, but at some point they behave just like kids.
3. Just because it didn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't worth it.
4. Memory is a way of holding onto things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
5. When things just fit into places, then you just know he's the one.
6. The sun shines but there are dark clouds as well. Will it be raining soon? Then I'll see the rainbow I suppose.
7. What's the point in knowing anyway, when it makes you feel worse?
8. It's hard letting people get close knowing that the moment u give them your heart & trust they are the ones that could destroy it.

Feeling So Wrecked

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly wrecked. I felt so down that I couldn't manage to be grateful to be given another day of living on this very planet called earth. I feel guilty now. Thank Allah it's holiday so that I don't need to go to school and teach. I can't imagine how I could be a good teacher in such situation. I will feel guilty even more.

I remember couples of years ago I watched Oprah on TV. She was talking about how you appreciate your life by mentioning three good things that happen to you each day. And I've been trying to do that since then, though sometimes I miss a couple of days. Now that I feel completely wrecked and lost, I'll try to remember extraordinary things about me that always make me feel better. Please never see me as some selfish person who thinks she's the best and deserves the best. NO trust me, I AM NOT LIKE THAT! It's just that I feel really insecure at the moment. I'm still that silly young lady who tries to enjoy life to its fullest.

Here we go:

• I am blessed with a group of warm, caring, funny though sometimes a bit weird people whom I call family.
• I have those outstanding and darling people around me who inspires me in some big deals of life and I can proudly call them MY BESTIES.
• All my pupils love me and enjoy having me as their teacher.
• I am blessed with a sweet fragile look that makes everybody want to come and protect me in such a harsh time (it's not my personal opinion, I know some people who think that way and I guess they're right).
• I know exactly the way to be stunningly gorgeous on my own way.
• I am a tough woman who managed to get back on my own feet after such a hard and painful moment of desperation.
• I have above average thinking ability especially about education and English.
• Some old buddies said I've got this great personality and low profile.
• This is the best out of all-I am given the chance to reach my whole life dream which are visiting England and taking my master's degree. YES!!!

Now I feel a lot better and secure. I believe Allah has planned everything so amazingly and perfectly so that I gotta stop worrying. Just take my time. xxx

Foolish

What the heck!! I haven't written anything on this blog since the past couple of weeks or so. January seemed to have gone pretty quick. I've got like quite things to do at school including making the school's blog which is a bit awkward and quirky to talk about here on blogspot as I made it on another web page :)

Things are not really good. I've got some mind-blowing but turned out to be really disappointing surprise at the end of January. I was a bit, no not a bit, but kind of really upset. I feel totally like a fool every time I think about this. I keep telling myself that things are going to be better, but I'm not even sure that there will ever be "better" for me now. Do I sound hopeless? horrible? Well I do feel that way.

But at least I've learnt my lesson. Pretty girls are sometimes just not smart enough! I guess I gotta go to that reading class back at university so that I will be smarter enough to read the circumstances I am in. What a month!

Goodbye January! Thanks a lot for the give of the highest and the lowest at the same time. I'll try to be a good student and never fall for the same joke.

Sorry ALLAH SWT to think I was your joke during those silly hours-never meant to deny your bless. I am so grateful for everything you have blessed me with, I don't deserve to ask more.

Finally, WELCOME February!! I am looking forward to another mind-blowing surprises!