Falling Apart
(20 November 2010)
I woke up in the middle of the night. It was the nightmare-not actually a nightmare, but it really was something that would make you feel miserable on its own way (even when you are just dreaming) that kept me awake. It’s not a kind of those nightmares about ghosts, vampires or evil things, but something which I have been trying to forget for the past view months!
I’m thinking about this now because it’s one of those nights-a message in my facebook inbox brings everything back! It is long ago, but it’s so funny how near it all seems to me. I remember vividly so many nights when I used to wake up feeling so hurt and insecure. One kind of which would make you feel sick and yucky. And I oddly feel the same feeling at this very moment when I strongly believe that I have got over it at all. Everything feels like as fresh and sore as ever.
And then I guess I have just realized that the wound still actually lays there and I don’t know for how long it will be. All this time I have been pretending that everything is fine, but they are just not. I was and am hurt. I have lost something which used to be the best and the most significant in my life. All of a sudden I want it back tonight, more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I feel incredibly sad and miserable. But when I look back and think about it, it’s not the person I am mourning. It’s the lost hope, the lost possibility and a version of the future that won’t possibly happen now.
The person might have vanished or melted away, but not the things you share. You think you have found the perfect way to settle down, but then suddenly you just know that you can’t do it that way, then you let it slip by and try to find another way right from the start. Perhaps I found it harder than some people. Luckily I am completely aware of the state where I am now. I just can’t go back to where I was. All of that’s over, so over.
The Best Thing
(25 October 2010)
I know there is always one moment in your happy time when you unintentionally recall all the bitter memories. I know it will make you either smile or cry. But the best part of it is that you know what you have had is actually real! All the misery you feel, the tears you see, are just the proof that you do not live an imaginary life.
Life is sometimes about making the correct choices. When you feel like it all fits into place, then you just know. But there is always the loss. When you cannot grip what you have in your hand any longer, then it is time to let go. No matter how miserable you are at that time, you will always know that you will be fine eventually.
People say time heals the wound. I would say nothing is actually healed; it is merely something which is left behind. There's no such thing as forgetting, only accepting and changing, and that's what I did. So keep walking. Nothing is going to be so wrong. If they were, then the only way for them to go is up. And one day when you look back on your life, you will think that this might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment