When I Knew

"Aku sadar aku menggilaimu sejak aku membaca setiap kata yang kau lempar keluar

dari otak rumitmu itu."

Seventeen past three. I was struggling with drowsiness. I remembered the night before I had been determined to turn off the telly exactly when the clock stroke twelve. Literally midnight. It had been the first time I actually managed to beat the time. I meant how cool was that? Here’s a fact, nights and me had never been friends. Not even close. I hated it and it hated me even more. I unsurprisingly never survived midnight. So it was a bit of miracle to keep my eyes, both eyes, wide open at such very late time. I didn't know exactly when I had finally managed to fall asleep. Obviously not long after I shut my eyes.

Seventeen minutes ago I had been awake. It had taken me some minutes to finally realize what was going on. So I reluctantly dragged myself out of the room and headed to the loo. I badly needed to take a pee. Oh crap! Here’s another fact, I had a tendency to imagine ghosts, vampires and all those creepy creatures would suddenly appear on the glass window here on my toilet. No, I was not being paranoid. I just couldn’t help it. It was one of those bloody embarrassing secrets. There was no way I would let people know. They would laugh at me, right in front of me. No doubt.

I tiptoed back to my room, secretly wondering if dad and mum had heard anything. It was so quiet that I could even hear my dad’s snore. I listened again. There was nothing. I assumed they were both in such a deep sleep. It was such a relief. I knew I was supposed to go back to bed, instead I decided to grab my laptop and entered the living room.  I chose one of my favourite corners in the house and began to turn my laptop on.

It was entirely dark outside. The cold touched me gently. I heard the wind whispered me a good-night. The moon and the stars sang me a lullaby. The rest of the world was still asleep. So was facebook. I played around. I moved the cursor aimlessly wondering if I could find something exciting. Five minutes had past. Nothing. Another five-minute past. Still nothing. Then I came across your name. Your bloody name. I instinctively moved the cursor and clicked the button. A recipe for a disaster!

It was the same boring page all over again. A little bit of disappointment flushed through me. Yeah, just like I hadn't expected it. No sign of your existence. It was just an empty old house no body seemed to care. I should have known. I looked more intently and was sure you had been away for a while. Those abandoned phrases were the only way for me to trace you. That you had once actually lived there, in the brisk world of facebook. Again, I should have known. Then why bothered hitting the button over and over again?

I moved the cursor up and down, left and right. I read through whatever you had written for the umpteenth time. I smiled when it was romantic, laughed when it was ludicrous. I admired your choice of words and was amazed at your point of view. And I felt this unpleasant odd feeling when you flirted. The thought of you had made me paralyzed. Then my heart beat indescribably faster and faster. Mix feeling. Same old thing. I shouldn't have done this in the first place. It always ended up like this. Somehow I knew this time it was different. I just couldn't place it. It was rather a blur.

Next, I felt the rush to go to bed. It seemed that my eyes just couldn't take it any longer. I did a quick calculation. In less than three hours I had to be at school. I turned off my laptop and left it on the chair. As I stood, those random memories of you immediately replayed in my head.  All of a sudden I felt secure. Peaceful. I had found my very own personal space! The thought surprised me, but more in a I-knew-it-was-going-to-happen sort of way. This was the most peculiar moment I had ever had in my life. I was walking to my room with both eyes half closed. I was falling in love with you. I was missing you. I was literally tracing you. And nothing felt better.